Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
false alarm, still single
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