My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
