Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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