I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize