So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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