apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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