i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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