I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
