Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
