i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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