About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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