i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
