i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
