I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Everclear isn't food dammit
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
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