FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
