Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
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