We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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