Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Can you bring me the toilet please
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
