The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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