the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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