In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
