Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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