i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
