we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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