mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
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