i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
