i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I have aggressive nipples.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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