i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
