I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
