Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Ladies don't puke and tell
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
