dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
