I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
