Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
