It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
