You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
