i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
