i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
