I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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