Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
