He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize