I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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