Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize