so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
