it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
