Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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