Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
