god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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