Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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