I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
