The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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