dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
