okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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