Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
