i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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