So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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