just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
they're like a gay fantastic four
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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