Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
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