Have you finally orgasmed yet?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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